In my last post, "Men, misogyny, power and the search for regression. Why are we like this?", I discussed some of the factors that have contributed to the rise of misogyny. In this post, the focus will be exclusively on us, women. I concluded the text above with a question: how can we escape the trap we place ourselves in when, believing ourselves superior to men, we take on the mission of sustaining—here the double meaning of both supporting and enduring—a man who disrespects us?
Masculinities, plural. Are we ready?
Every life is a story rich in nuances and specificities, therefore I need to talk about women in general. We are raised to be the pillar of the family—the support, the unity, the responsible one. Depending on the culture of the region where we grow up, we also acquire role models that guide us, ranging from the unbreakable and courageous heroine to the melodramatic and suffering victim who endures everything with an open heart.
Before I continue, I need to clarify that I am not denying either condition—that of heroine or that of victim—but purposefully exploring stereotypes so that we can notice, through exaggeration, the nuances that they carry and that can direct us without us realizing it.
I'll begin to answer the question that guides this text based on my own experience and the research I've been doing for several decades: the first step is to seek self-knowledge. Understanding the feelings that steer our thoughts and actions gives us a healthy grasp on our lives. Self-knowledge is sought professionally. I am sorry, but the quality of the answer is higher when we turn to professionals prepared to help us on the path of self-discovery. It's not easy, it's not simple, it's painful—if it were very comfortable, I would be suspicious...—but as I always say: the valley of misfortune we must go through is less sinister than our minds lead us to believe. And then... ah! Then comes balance and an ability to manage life that make everything lighter and steadier. Self-knowledge gives us the confidence to be our own pillars.
Power To. Is it asleep or dead?
With self-awareness we understand, for example, that many of us consider ourselves true women as long as we are in a romantic relationship. Having someone in a relationship is synonymous with fulfillment and completeness. One of the foundations of this belief is binary thinking, so deeply beaten into our minds that we truly believe we're incomplete. Older generations understood completeness through difference—which is not the same as diversity, quite the opposite: everyone lives in their own box. It's worth remembering that valuing difference related to sexual roles is one of the tools that naturalizes separation, which allows for hierarchy and power over. It supports the idea that each sex has a social role to play, and when everyone performs adequately—that is, no one dares to step outside their box—society lives more harmoniously. By believing in difference, we seek the opposite, the other half that completes us.
Younger generations have evolved and set out to resolve the belief of incompleteness through companionship as a fundamental value in romantic relationships—I wrote about this in posts from 2013 onward (available on this blog). In the search for Romantic-Companionate Love, there are those who seek their equals—almost a search for a mirror—while others are more open to differences within limited parameters. All generations continue, each in their own way, the search for this external plenitude (or completeness).
It's obvious that being in a relationship that is companionate makes us happy. Indeed, that living as a couple, especially given the way the world is, is very good. That's not my point. My point is us dressing up as the heroine or the victim and enduring a relationship that hurts us, disrespects us, and does not give us love in the purest sense, simply because of the idea that "every marriage/relationship is like that," "men are like that; we need to see the bright side of things...", "it's better to be with someone than alone," "a single woman's life is sad and lonely," "a single woman becomes dull and bitter." Did any of these beliefs make sense to you? Have you heard them? I have. And, yes, they did. Several of them. It was hard work to understand that these were beliefs that unfortunately undermined my self-esteem, my desires, and limited my horizons.
Knowing we are complete without the other and feeling that everything is fine, even if it sometimes saddens us not to have a great love, is restorative. Starting from this place of empowerment—and it is in this sense that I use this term, from inside out—to decide to share our lives in a loving relationship is what makes all the difference in the negotiations that life as a couple demands. There is no condescension or threats—"I'm leaving!". There is the awareness that we are investing in a love that is good for us and that, when it no longer fulfills its role—doing us good—we can leave, sad but steadfast and complete, if we so choose.
Relationships require exchange because they are of the earth. Love does not.
